7:17 PM Central - The Bears and Cowboys are approaching kickoff, and the synapses of my football-dominated brain are detonating from Chicago Bears enthusiasm overload. I need this in my life! So bad, so bad.
I just simulated the game by playing my little brother in Tecmo Bowl. He had to clear it with his wife, as they have a newborn baby and he is actually an adult. Fortunately, he was given the green light to get pummeled by me in an 8-bit throwback to a blissful, pre-Dave Wannstedt childhood. I was the Bears, naturally, and forced my brother to be the Cowboys. DA BEARS won 31-0.
Neal Anderson had 16 carries for 180 yards and 1 touchdown. Brad Muster battered his way to 48 yards on 8 carries, with 2 touchdowns. Jim Harbugh went 1 for 2 with a 33 yard strike to Wendell Davis on the final play of the game for an F-You touchdown, to atone for a meaningless interception on the last play of the first half. The Bears Defense dominated, intercepting Troy Aikman twice, and forcing a fumble from Emmit Smith on a screen pass. They yielded a mere 3 first downs, 15 yards rushing and 105 passing. I feel this obliteration of my brother and the woefully overmatched, pre-90s dynasty Cowboys is a tremendous omen to Bears domination tonight.
“We’ll never forget the way you thrilled the nation, with your T-formation!”…
John Gruden has shot-gunned approximately 9 Red Bulls already. He is comparing Jay Cutler to Clint Eastwood as Josie Wales, and is essentially fellating the much-maligned Bears quarterback.
Bears vs. Cowboys. Cutler vs. Romo. Gruden vs. his ability to stay up until midnight when he wakes up at 3:15am. Let’s do this!
Sack Sack City! Henry Melton pulverizes Romo at midfield on a 3rd and 7 to keep the Cowgirls off the scoreboard on their opening possession. Murray, Ogletree and Witten looked sharp, but the Bears brought the pressure when it counted.
Bears start their first possession from their own 6. Matt Forte checks out immediately after a strong first down run. Favoring his ankle. Not good. Need to sit him out the rest of the game. It’s a long, long season.
Cutler finds Marshall on a quick hitter over the middle for a big first down. Bush follows this up with a first down reception on a screen pass, on 2nd and 7. Bears are on the move, near midfield already.
First shot of Rob Ryan on the sideline. Do you think he has a hand fetish, to mirror twin brother Rex Ryan’s foot fetish? Probably.
Forte returns with a screen pass reception for negative yardage. Bears seem content to play for field position, tossing a wide receiver screen to Hester on 3rd and 12 that goes nowhere. Bush missed a block on Morris Claiborne. Poor blocking all around in the passing game thus far. Bears punt.
Lance Briggs pops the ball loose from Demarco Murray on a check-down pass over the middle, but the Cowboys recover it. Missed opportunity, but I love the way the Bears are flying to the ball. I’m thinking the Bears will force 3 turnovers before the final whistle tonight. If Jennings has one of them, I’m getting a tattoo of his face on my neck, and I will look amazing.
After Dez Bryant brain farts and isn’t prepared for a 3rd down pass, the Bears promptly go 3-and-out. Cutler narrowly avoids a sack on 3rd and long.
End of the 1st quarter. Scoreless.
The Cowboys cross midfield with Dez Bryant’s 2nd catch of the possession. Need to pressure Romo again.
Romo overthrows Bryant on a deep fade on 3rd down, but Moorman, the new Dallas punter, pins Da Bears back at the 5 yard line. Time for a 95 yard drive. And another beer.
The Bears’ average starting field position thus far has been their own 10 yard line. Make that 2 beers.
Marshall picks up 18 yards on a sweet slant. Cutler has an absolute cannon.
Forte shreds the Cowgirls for a 20-ish yard gain. Also, apparently Forte and Bush in the same backfield is called the “Stallion package”. I am intrigued on multiple levels…
3rd and 10. Cutler throws off a defender in the backfield and finds a diving Kellen Davis for a monster first down. John Gruden slams a five-hour energy compliments Mike Tirico’s receding hairline and calls Cutler a gunslinger.
False start, then another Bears timeout. Cutler looks pissed off as he scoots to the sideline. Chug. Chug. Chug.
Bears choose an illegal contact penalty over a 13 yard pass to Marshall on 1st and 15, smiting my fantasy team but playing the percentages. First down Bears at the Dallas 35.
3rd and a long 1 at the 26. Stuffed. GO FOR IT!
No. But Robbie Gould drills the 43 yarder to give the Bears a 3-0 lead with 4:40 left in the 1st half.
Cutler walks away from Tice on the sideline as Tice is in mid-sentence, to smugly drink water. I love Jay Cutler. If he wasn’t a quarterback with a cyborg future arm, Jay Cutler would be a parking enforcement officer blissfully writing you a ticket as you helplessly sprint toward your car to refill the meter.
Murray drops a toss and has to scramble to get the ball back.
INTERCEPTION! Tillman. TOUCDHOWN, Peanut! Ooonz-oonz-oonz!
Fight Song Fight Song Fight Song Fight Song!!!!
10-0 BEARS BEARS BEARS.
I just did a push-up for every Bears point, nearly slipped and fell on my face due to my greasy salami hands. Yeah, that’s right. I powered through a stack of salami and then physically exerted myself in the name of Chicago Bears. PUSH IT TO THE LIMIT!!!
Chug, chug, chug-a-lug.
Only 2 turnovers left for me to be a soothsaying genius.
Uggh, I think I just blacked out. We’re back. Dallas just scored a touchdown with 14 seconds left in the half. Romo to Austin. Bears lead 10-7.
Is Mike Tirico the brother of the guy who played Alvin in The Cosby Show?
Halftime. Monsters of the Midway - 10, Jerry Jones Inc., Testosterone Division - 7.
- Chris Berman made a lame joke. What else is new? Chug. - Really need to reverse this field position. Starting at your own 10 all game is a tall order. - I want to see more Jeffery. I think the Bears can torch the Cowboys with play action, and really open up things for Marshall, as long as they’re not opening every drive out of their own end zone again.
- Lebron James is a Cowboys fan? Ugggh. Just when I was getting over my Lebron hate… Also, why is he tweeting during Monday Night Football when he could be with 5 women right now, all South Beach hot and of varying ethnicities? Perhaps he is multi-tasking. - I think this late Cowboys touchdown will be a blip on the radar. The Bears D has been dominant thus far. Expecting that to continue, and the aforementioned field position to swing, with the Bears receiving the ball to open the 2nd half.
- Screw it, we’re going to win the Super Bowl.
Cutler eludes another sack attempt and finds Jeffery for a first down to the sideline.
Jeffery again! The Bears cross midfield.
Now it’s Marshall’s turn. Pass protection + big, fast, gazelle receivers with great hands = dominance!
HESTER! Cutler flings a ball off his back foot to Devin Hester on a sick double move for an easy 34 yard touchdown strike off play-action. Ooonz-oonz-oonz! 17-7 Bears Bears BEARS!
17 push-ups and a half a beer later… I. Feel. Awesome.
Cutler on the touchdown drive: 4 for 4. 71 yards. Touchdown. Game on, Romo.
The Cowboys breach Bears territory with a long pass to Dez Bryant, down to the 36. Then Bryant again. A Cowboys cheerleader gets wiped out in the process. I’d like to see that again in slow-mo. “Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left.” 1st down at the 16.
INTERCEPTION! Jennings reaches around Ogletree, doing just enough to cause the ball to pop up off of Ogletree and into the welcoming arms of Major Wright. Bears-Bears-Bears ball! 1 more turnover and I am a golden god.
Since Jennings wasn’t the interceptor, I will just get a Jennings Henna tramp stamp. Pics to follow…
Bears start from their own 5 yard line. Marshall goes off for 25 yards. Yes!
Crap. Cutler waits too long in the pocket for a play to develop, gets crunched, and coughs the ball up. 1st down Cowboys at the Bears’ 27.
SWEET, HOLY BEARS! Henry Melton punches the ball out from a scrambling Romo, from behind, and into the loving embrace of Lance Briggs, who turns on the afterburners on his Hall-of-Fame body and sprints 74 yards for a soul-crushing touchdown, aided by a block by Jennings, who flies out of nowhere to assure that I will have to do 24 push-ups. PUSH IT TO THE LIMIT! 24-7 Bears Bears Bears!
PS, that’s 3 turnovers for Tony Romo. Kneel Before Zeoli!
Am I in good enough shape to do 24 push-ups with a buzz on, after already doing 27 push-ups? Of course not. But I did it. Chicago Bears find a way. Chug-chug-chug.
The Cowboys settle for a field goal, as Dez Bryant drops a 3rd down pass in the general vicinity of the red zone.
Jeffrey allegedly fumbles the ball. Replay clearly shows that his elbow was down before Claiborne rips it out of his hands. This will go to review…
ESPN interviews Jerry Jones, who thinks there is not enough evidence to overturn the fumble call. What a clown. As soon as this call is correctly overturned, Jerry will berate an employee who only exists to squeeze more lemon into his Old Fashioned, in his climate-controlled owner’s box. He will then scream for everyone to leave the box, have a quick cry (although his tears won’t permeate the intense layers of plastic surgery on his face), and promptly order a dominatrix in a Texans jersey to walk all over him upon the game’s demoralizing conclusion.
Not a fumble. Excellent.
Kellen M-F-ing Davis picks up a giant first down on a tight end corner route, as Cutler delivers a perfect strike off a roll-out to his right.
Brandon Marshall goes over 100 yards on the night with a big-time play on 3rd and 5. This is unfair. And I like it. First and goal Bears.
Marshall draws yet another pass interference call in the end zone on 3rd and goal, his 4th of the season, I believe. But after a review, the call gets wiped out because Cutler’s pass was deflected. Marshall was absolutely mugged in the end zone, but you can’t retroactively downgrade a pass interference call to defensive holding.
Robbie Gould converts from 22 yards. 27-10, Bears Bears Bears.
Dez Bryant drops a bomb on a wide open slant-and-go. Time to sign up for Brandon Marshall’s Wide Receiver Summer Camp, Dez. I hear he accepts PayPal.
Moore breaks up a Romo pass on 3rd and 3. 4th down now, but the Cowgirls convert and cross midfield.
Penalty on Dez Bryant for an illegal formation. Good Dez/Bad Dez should be a drinking game. Chug-chug-chug for life!
ROMO SAPIEN! Interception, DJ Moore ! 4 picks for Romo, who is out-Romo-Cutlering Cutler by an insurmountable margin, 4 turnovers to 1. Am I still a soothsayer if the Bears outperform my already-grandiose prediction?
Kellen Davis makes an absolute circus catch, down into Cowboys territory. A grown-ass man, playing with children. SPARTANS WILL.
Jerry Jones just ordered a second domme, and a pizza.
There are dancing girls on platforms at Cowboys Stadium. They probably have to pay for the privilege to do so. Anything for a buck, Jerry.
TOUCHDOWN BRANDON MARSHALL. Wide open and untouched across the middle with a YAC of 20 or so, after Kellen Davis clears out 2 defenders on a pick. 34-10 Beautiful Chicago Bears.
Yeah, I definitely can’t do 34 push-ups right now. 34 sips of beer is an appropriate substitute. Done, and done.
Major Wright picks off his 2nd Romo pass of the night. Romo ties his career high with 5 interceptions. I’d be tempted to tie my career high in beers, if not for that whole obnoxious work-in-the-morning thing.
The Bears show a modicum of mercy by not unleashing Brandon Marshall any further. He is grinning like a Cheshire cat on the sideline right now. I love this guy.
Kyle Orton leads the Cowgirls to a late garbage touchdown pass to Jason Witten, and caps it off with a 2-pt conversion pass to Dez Bryant. OK, I’ll say it. Quarterback controversy?
DA BEARS WIN! 34-18, and are now tied with the surprising Vikings at 3-1 atop the NFC north, with 4 consecutive extremely winnable games in front of them. I smell a 7-1 record heading into their prime time Sunday night showdown with the juggernaut Texans in Week 9.
I’m taking a victory soak in the hot tub after this one. Enjoy your ball gag and getting trampled by spiked heels, Jerry Jones. BEAR DOWN.